I have on occasion been called "the freakin' man." But what I wish to clear up is that this allegation is not at all true. First of all, if anything, I'd be a freakin' man and not the freakin' man since there are over six billion people on this planet; I am only one among multitudes of 'freakin' [the adjective] people. Secondly, "freakin" is a euphemism for f#!@ing [the verb oft-used in profanity] and I am a virgin, alhamdulillah, so this is not true. I am however, able to freak (so-to-speak) [alhamdulillah] so I am not afreakin in the sense that a living organism can be asexual; that is to say "without freaking" (if that makes any sense.) That is to say, I do not reproduce with myself. In other words, I am freak-able (...um, yea.) However, I am not able to freak just yet (see below.) I am also not Afreekan (African) for you Urdu speakers.
I am simply, a man. A single man- that is what I am. I am not plural, I am in the singular and I happen to also be single, (not being redundant.) What I mean is, I'm available for a relationship where I can be "freakin" [the verb] provided its halal [i.e-marriage.]) So the truth of the matter is, it is conditional upon taking a wife whereby I can be eligible to be a freakin man. IF I can do that well enough (just being rational here,) I may be promoted to the freakin man, but then again, how would she know? Is she comparing me to someone or others before me? In that case, I'd consider the possibility of divorce and go back to being just a plain man, possibly an old one (God forbid.) Unless of course, she did tawba of any past mistakes of zina and we loved each other, for no one is perfect and we all have our own baggage of sins, myself included. In anycase, to be the freakin [verb] man, I'd need to have multiple partners (which is not happening) and in Paradise, though it sounds nice, is probably not my aim once I get there - if I even get there in the first place. There is always the possibility that I could remarry or have multiple wives but this too is uncertain and especially in the case of the latter, unlikely.
So you see, to be the freakin man, I'd either have to be a wild playboy in this life or do so in Hell, which is probably -scratch that- certainly not happening, which only leaves this life to decide whether or not it is true. I've already shown that unless I have multiple partners for freakin, (in the event of remarriages) I can only be a freakin not the freakin man. But to be honest, I do not want to be given such a title anyway, since I'd rather not have the subject of sex be attached to my name. I came from the dirt and I will be buried in the dirt, and that is a dry place - no room for anything hot n' steamy (although technically I suppose it can get hot in the summer-time.) Anyways, like I was saying, I am notthe freakin man neither am I a freakin man - I am only a man that will one day return to the sands. Therefore, I must be a simple man; pious, loving, caring, responsible, moral, giving very freakin [adjective] much if I am ever to be the freakin man. If that is what makes me the freakin [adj.] man, than I would be very glad, and its okay to call me so. However, I still say that my friends are very confused for insinuating this allegation :P.
I just came across this guy's material and I have to say its fresh, silly but comically genius. He reminds me of an Indian Sacha Baron Cohen or even Andy Kaufman because he's always in-character in all his videos, (although that's a premature comparison considering he hasn't really shown us much yet.) Look him up on Youtube, check out this song & listen to his debut album here:
Sup y'all, its yo' favorite BITCH up in this kennel! Yiieea that's riiiight muthawuffa....Anywayz, I apologize for not being around for so long. I've been mostly busy but had some bouts of being ill as well. A few months back I had constipation and was referred to a clinic for canines that specializes in rectal problems called "Bitches Ain't Shit," the vets there helped me with my long-term constipation problems, they prescribed a stool softener and I got my bowel movements back on so now I'm goooood y'all!! hehe. Other than some minor health issues I've been busy with school; assignments and projects, etc. (and for the millionth time, YES bitches go to school!!)
Woofin' of which, I'm enrolled in this one class right, called "Approaches to Canine Sexuality" and I happen to be the only bitch in the entire class out of like 10-12 dogs. Even though being the only bitch in my classes ain't nuthin new, this time it feels a little extra strange. I mean, we gotta discuss all this touchy subject matter that can make you feel uncomfortable being the only bitch. Last week we were discussing arousal and anatomy and I had to share a book with a classmate so we could see all the diagrams and stuff. It was kinda weird looking at pictures of dicks and pussies (not cats) in a room full of dogs. I dunno, I guess I feel a little out of place because these dogs probably have all kinds of sexual experiences while I don't. Worse yet, I don't know if we're gonna be called upon to discuss our personal sex lives (or in my case lack there of) since the syllabus mentions forming discussion groups about controversial topics. I guess I'll find out in time. The other class I'm taking is a class on Mutli-culturalism and we're learning about oppression, racism, and prejudice. I learned that *being a bitch,* I fall into a minority category and need to discuss the experiences of racism and sexism I might've faced for being a bitch all my life. I dunno..I guess there's so much to say. (I'm also the only bitch in this class too!) And it just so happens that I'm a Pakistani bitch, the only one in the entire building perhaps! I just feel like I offer a unique perspective being one-of-a-kind in most of my classes but I keep quiet mostly..I'm not sure if its cuz I'm feeling shy or whatever the case may be. Anyways, I hope I open up at least enough to get good participation pts for my grades WOL. Well, I guess that's it for now, if I left somethin out I'll just make another entry and I'll try not to be forever again next time. Rolfina signin' off, til next time hot dogs!
*DISCLAIMER* - My "Memoirs of a Female Dog" series is not, nor was it ever meant to be an attack on women, quite the contrary to be exact. In a comical way I poke fun at the usage of the word "bitch" and how its almost become acceptable to call women "bitches;" something I personally do not agree with. As I've stated earlier, I am guilty of the crime myself, but what I try to use this series for is to highlight the ridiculous culture surrounding the word and how many take it negatively and others (some feminists) turned it into a positive word because of its over-usage. To me, that's like taking another offensive slur and trying to make it positive just because society cannot stop using the word (I'm sure you can think of other examples in popular usage..) Anyway, to bring it all back to what the word bitch really means (a female dog) I thought I'd start a series that is about a real bitch and at the same time be a satire on the word and make you guys laugh. If anything this series seeks to accomplish is to show how ridiculous it really is to equate a woman with a real female dog (a bitch) and hopefully to show how ignorant and degrading it really is.
Hey canines wsup!? It's your bitch Rolfina in da hut here 'bout to make some major noise (cuz I think somebody's trying to break-in the master's house! Just kidding.) Anywoofs, guess what!? Since my last entry a while back I found me a hottttt dog and yup, you guessed it - we're going steady! His name is Mutthew, he's a sexy Greyhound. Slim but muscular, classy (he wears a bow around his neck,) dare I say "ruff-ined" even, if you will, (WOL) 5 o'clock whiskers, and battle scars too - just dreamy! So yea me and my dog where having some Kibbles 'n Bits together for lunch when all of a sudden - outta nowhere - he barks, "will you copulate with me?" I almost bit off my tongue! I didn't know what to say to him cuz we had just met at breakfast time so it didn't give me much time to think really...but then, he got real serious. He bent down on both hinds and grabbed my paw and put his over mine. I didn't know what to expect but then he said, "I'm really serious, you're the only bitch in my life, I wanna have 45 pups with you and only you." That made me cry. Then he did the sweetest thing and wiped my tear away and gave me a nose rub with his nose....The next thing I know a nose rub turned into a french nose rub and well, I guess you can figure out what happened afterwards....
Fast forward a few dog months and it turns out, I'm pregnant! (HOLY DOG! right?) So I was kinda excited to tell him, but when I told him he denied it was him! But do you know WHY he denied it? CUZ the doggone dog was neutered even before I met him! Now I'm left thinkin, "seriously, who the WOOF got me pregnant!?!? I will catch that son of a bitch and make his owner neuter the bastard!" So again, fast-forward a few gestational periods and I find out what happened. I wasn't actually pregnant because I didn't give birth to anything, I just got reeeeeeally FAT! Can you believe it!?!?!? WMAO!! Here I was thinkin the whole time Mutthew lied to me about him being neutered when in fact he was telling the truth! I feel so bad now how I dogged him out the way I did....I wasn't carrying his pups or any other son of a bitch's!
So basically now that the summer is coming up I plan on getting back into shape, try to drag my groggy master up from his bed early in the morning so we could do some laps (gotta focus on my thighs this summer!) Despite my near traumatic experience I will maybe try to find a nice dogfriend this summer, haters can sniff my ass for all I care. The way I see it, its time to settle down for real so woof what ya heard! Besides, its the season of heat anyway (no pun-intended.) Can't keep this figure lookin the way it did years ago when dogs would salivate after I galloped by. That's right bitches, I know you're the jealous type that wanna steal a bitch's canine like that but home-bitch don't play! I got some sharp paws waiting for you bitch-woofers so don't get me started! Phew..sorry I just had to get that off my chest. It's a lonely world out there....Wouldn't mind having a pup or two of my own. Too bad Mutthew can't help in that department..but he does have a cute brother ;) Woofwoofwoof! Well, thought I'd catch you up on things. 'Til next time, this is Rolfina scratching off. Woof!
It's the end of an error - ah..era that is, the GWB. No, not the bridge (for those of you living in New York) but the 43rd President of the United States of America, the man, the Boss - George W. Bush. With just about two weeks left of his presidency, the world joins together to celebrate his final day in office and welcomes the new "change" in President-Elect Barack Obama. Americans rightfully got fed up of two terms of his presidency, that's eight whole years that culminated in: failed foreign policy, increased security problems, suspension of civil liberties, a failing war, and as a final gift - the worse economic crisis since The Great Depression. I can already hear the sigh of relief the moment Mr. Bush sets down from office on January 20th, 2009. Many will look to the years of his rule that provided us with a constant source of perplexment, anger, entertainment, and yes, comedy. The term "Bushism" was coined as a moment whenever the president would slip up during a press conference or during a speech that both gave the world a few laughs as well as minus points for America as a nation to be taken seriously as we once were. The hard work of 232 years of American presidency, heritage, and legacy - all "flushed down the drain" as some would put it, just within these eight years. And now, as free and democratic Americans, we finally get our chance, our moment to correct the blight that has stained and tarnished our name and image across the globe and set about correcting Mr. Bush's wrongs into red, white, and blue rights.
He's been called every insult you can think of in the book. A war-monger. A fascist. A redneck. An oil tycoon. A religious nut. A pimp. An imbecile. A crack-head. A hypocrite. A blind man. A neo-con. A thug. A war criminal, etc. Americans have laughed at him, foreigners have cursed him. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez calls him "the devil." Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinajad refers to him as a "bully" and he's even smoked weed with Harold & Kumar. Blunder after blunder, and lies upon lies have exposed him for what he is - lying, cheating, filthy scum. He set new lows for the office of presidency. He has had the lowest approval rating of any U.S president in history. His exit from office, from the view of the American people is a victory. But as for Mr. Bush, it is a sad, sad exit from his view....
But if we had to examine the cornerstone of the president's terms in office, it would have to be the War on Terror and his fight with Al-Qaeda. So we were lied to about Iraq, but it was true that Bin Laden was behind September the 11th, I mean the videos show him taking the credit for it, don't they? Come to think of it, Bin Laden hasn't released a new video for a very long time....Could he be dead? What if he died a few years back, and the videos that we saw during the presidential elections in 2004 were all just a hoax? What if it was all an elaborate plan by U.S Intelligence to cover up the fact that we actually defeated the Al-Qaeda leader many years ago, during the bombing raids of Tora Bora, but we still needed Bin Laden as a trump card to invade Iraq and all the other plans we had for the region? Was it all for oil? Democracy for the Middle East or only for oil rich countries? Al-Qaeda would be our convenient American Express card to do whatever the hell we wanted, where ever we chose to...but by killing the world's most notorious terrorist, we just shot ourselves in the foot now didn't we? We would need to continue the lie that he was still alive. For Bin Laden is most likely dead; if he was still here, why didn't he come out with a video when Obama won the election? When that Iraqi guy threw his shoes at Bush? If Bush can be globally humiliated by the image forever ingrained in the minds and hearts of this generation by having shoes thrown at him right before leaving office, it would be the absolute nail in the coffin for Al-Qaeda to make one last taunt at Bush before he steps down, essentially proving that he didn't accomplish anything during his eight years, right?
But what if we were wrong about President Bush all along? What if he really did accomplish his goals? What if Al-Qaeda is really, for all intents-and-purposes, non-existent? If Bin Laden really was killed in all this, it would mean that President Bush actually fulfilled his promise and protected our country and the world from this most heinous threat. But he couldn't just come out and say that, not after all the lies and fabrications - no, he would have to go along with the official story put out by the CIA. It would mean that, for the sake of our countries needs, no matter the ugly lies we would have to use, we would put it out there for the sake of our future needs and so, we went to Iraq, Afghanistan, and in Pakistan, all in the ruse of democracy but under the tables with the goal of securing much needed resources for our future so we can continue to rock the world for the next century or two. But the question is, who could possibly take the blame for all this? Who would bear the brunt of ire from the international community?
He was stupid, goofy, silly, simple, and above all - perfect for the job. Yes, President Bush would take the blame! The whole world would come to curse him, revile him; it worked perfectly - they think he's stupid, he makes "convenient" mistake after mistake, all the while we as a nation benefit in the background making a killing on the black market. Yes, now it all makes sense. He officially goes down in history as the worst president of the United States of America, and as a war-monger and a criminal. But what's the pay off? We receive billions upon billions from the War on Terror, resources beyond imagination, security stations set up all across the world - the stage has been set for America's new century and it is all thanks to President Bush's sacrifice- but the sad reality is, no one will ever know. The sad look in his eyes tells the tale of a man who gave up all he had for the sake of his country, and no one will understand him. But that was the secret mission given to him. That was his duty to his country, his final mission. Despite condemnation from the entire world, he had to turn his back on them and continued on for the sake of America, a lesser man would have been crushed with such a heavy burden. He swallowed his pride and honor, being cursed and spat at from all angles, with the weight of the world on his shoulders - only he was strong enough to bear such a blame. The taint of disgrace will follow him to his grave. Future generations will revile him, but he still did it all for us, he wanted to see us saved and free for the next century so that we can continue the example of democracy in the face of tyranny and evil. He sacrificed his life in office so that we could continue being the America the world depends on.
He was a true American soldier.
He was the dark knight,
he was the anti-hero we loved to hate,
he was a real hero, he was, a true....
....PATRIOT!
...or maybe I've just been playing too much Metal Gear Solid.
Hello everyone. My name is Rolfina, and I'm a 13-year old bitch. I'm currently living with a master by the name of George. At this stage in my life I've got to admit, I'm pretty happy. I've got a huge white house to live in (for free mind you!) a loving litter of kids, (though my puppy-daddy left me for some other bitch) and a kind family taking care of me. I'd say I'm pretty loyal to my master. Whatever he tells me to do, I'll do it. Whatever he gives me to eat and drink, I won't complain (although on occasion, I'll piss on his morning paper if I'm upset with him.) Sometimes he takes away my favorite food before I get to even eat it, or he'll forget to reward me for something good I did. But this doesn't happen often as he's usually pretty good with keeping me pleased. And as such, I like to make him happy and provide company and protection for him and his family.
Today is election day and I hear my master talking about some guys named Obama and Mccain. Now Mccain, I hear, is very old; something like the equivalent of 24 in dog-years. His running-mate, Sarah Palin sounds about as smart as my cousin who says "she's one of us alright!" (Though I find that insulting.) Didn't she just get prank-called by a fake Nicolas Sarkozy? She may be able to see Russia from her state of governance but so what? I can see my neighbors young, hot dog from my house, does that mean I give the dog a bone? Please woman, you are not as smart as half the bitches I know, and that's saying a lot! Anyways, where was I? Yeah okay so on the one paw you've got a 24-year old dog equivalent of a human and a woman who's got half the brain of a bitch running for the office of President and Vice-President? Seriously people. Wake up!
Obama on the other paw is eloquent. I heard him speak one day when I was eating my Kibbles N' Bits outside and I was just dumb-struck by how much sense he was making about healthcare and the war. You see, I disagree with my master on this issue because George wants the troops to stay the course in Iraq. Obama is opposed to this in fact. Most dogs don't know this but the reality of Iraq is not what the mainstream media tells the humans. I have spoken to a lot of fellow canines, who have host-families with members in the army, and from what they over heard from military families would frighten the average American. Iraq is in shambles and the war was a disaster. The U.S government has spent billions and billions on this war for eight years now, and for what result? A more unstable world. Your average American is now worrying about losing his job, his home, and his retirement pension. Americans are becoming more and more like us dogs, roaming the streets with no place to go. I happen to be among the fortunate few - educated, beautiful, and wealthy bitches across America, but even I know that my fellow dogs are hurting. Unfortunately there are just too many dogs who are not getting proper nutrition and healthcare. Just imagine if tomorrow the troops came home and the war ended, how much more money could we get the government to commit to the Animal Rights' movement? This country needs a change. We need lobbies like the "People Against the Cruel Treatment of Dogs" (PACTD) and "Bitch Please!" - a non-profit organization for the advancement and awareness of feminism among male-chauvanist canine cirlces- to stand up for our rights and bring much needed changes to our society. It starts with a dream and then resolve.
Last year when I was in the kennel, I met this very knowledgable canine elder who told me about this human named "Martin Luther King Jr" and his famous "I have a Dream" speech. The man was one of the leading members of the Civil Rights movement in this country. There was also another man who went by the name of "Malcolm X" who also played a crucial role in the movement. And when I heard that name for the first time, I thought maybe "DMX" was a dog-lover following in Malcolm's footsteps, trying to liberate my kind but he was just a rapper after-all. In anycase, I have hope that we canines too can mobilize ourselves to free ourselves from the bondage of human enslavement. Dogs everywhere are hurting to be free and there is much work left to be done. We can start by convincing the humans to vote for Obama, since his policies are more likely to favor the needs of canines and humans alike over that of Mccain's. Change is only part of the solution, the rest is through commitment and good policy. I'm confident that Obama - through seeking interspecies dialogue and negotiations with no pre-conditions - has the right approach in this matter. I believe if we cooperate with the humans we can see an age of unprecedented flourishing of canine-kind. I'll try convincing George to change his mind about his vote! So, if you're human and can vote, please vote Obama/Biden for the love of dog! Sorry this one was a bit too political...maybe next time I'll stick to dog-chow and pedigree. Til next time, woof!
What would things be like if it was 10,000 B.C right now? No internet. No computers. No phones. No cars. No T.V. No buildings and cities. No clothes (haha just kidding.) But just land - wide stretches of land as far as the eye can see. Wild life roaming the prairies, valleys, forests, caves, and jungles. In such a world, what would you do? How would you spend your time? If I even had the time after all the hard labor of a day's work, I would probably be sitting under a tree counting head-lice, just thinking. I'd probably be forced to improve my hunting skills or become a warrior. I wouldn't be trying to become a therapist. I wouldn't be worrying about my career plans, money, bills, or 99% of the crap I think about now. I would probably try to hitch a ride on a saber-tooth tiger or a mammoth instead of trying to ride a BMW or Cadillac. Instead of flaunting iPhones and flat screens I'd show off my collection of spears and chipped elephant teeth (elephants probably had sharp teeth back then.......shut up.) Instead of bling made of ice (diamonds) I'd light up a fire and show off my bling made from the bones of a pre-historic giraffe; ushering in a new Ice Age. You can't rock a nose bone like I does son! Now lemme show you what the American dream is like - 10,000 B.C style!!
At 26 years of age, I'd be the freakin man, at the prime of my youth. Ripped body, 6-pack abs, 5ft. beard with the 'stache. Yeah I'd probably be a sexist bastard like all the other cave-men at the time. Like "Woman, pass me my t-bone!" I'd want to create something big! Expand my ideas and influence to all the Neanderthals across the world. I'd be sorta like Manifest Destiny's Child. To show the world how great we Americans are - it would be the Caveman's burden, my burden.
Step 1. The plan is this: I'd first need to become a statesman for my tribal leader. I'd have to gain his trust first like save his daughter from a raging pteradactyl or a giant ape, let's call 'em "King Kong." Maybe I could convince him that I should be a diplomat of sorts, and go up to different tribes and just be like "ooga booga bitches, wazzup!??" You know, "spread the love" ...in various ways. I'd have to be well-liked by the people so I'd go around telling jokes like "Q: why cave girl upset with cave man? A: because she have bone to pick with him." I'd get my jokes to be written on bones instead of popsicles. Gaining popularity through the wide distribution of these "funny bones" among the clans, I could then be trusted to be a peacemaker. I'd be trying to appease tensions between various clans trying to get the story straight. Like who slept with who ("oh no he didn't!", ) and saying things like "Girl, don't front like its only your 15th child and your man's not working overtime!" Also try figuring out why this clan stole wood and flints from that other clan when its got enough fags (bundle of sticks) to spare.
Step 2. Then I'd need a convenient excuse to start a war like leaving a pile of the most advanced (but useless) technology lying around. Things like nose-pickers, back-scratchers (iRods,) and throw in some animal fat for good measure. Then when they come to investigate I can accuse the other tribes of stealing our technological secrets and then its time for war biotch! I could steal all of their fire wood and call it "The Cold War." Or I could just accuse other tribes of having weapons of ass-correction (for spanking naughty people) which could endanger our whole race if in the wrong hands, and that we of all people are best-suited to thwart these plans. To gain my clan's support I would need to create a myth of an elusive boogey man who lives in a cave (wait..that might not work here) and is trying to get his hands on these W.A.C's. My mission would be to take what the other tribes have for myself while pretending to search for him in their lands. I'd call it, "The War on Terra." I'd get like Jay-Z and have plans to "takeover" starting with a rock in my hands...
Step 3. When its time for war, oh its on baby! Well, not like I'd be at the front lines anyway, I'd just wait til the other dudes killed each other off and take their spears covered in blood and come home as the hero, screaming the war-cry like "ahhhhhhrrrrrrrr!!!" and make the women think i'm the f*@$in man. The result? More babies of course, and eventually a clan of my own. Then I'd slowly build my clan's power and influence in the same way. My boys would be peace-keepers making alliances with everyone; fighting for people's justice (yeah ok, more like killing and hurting those who try to steal our shit!) I'd send them into other camps to promote my ideas and if they didn't like it? Two words: regime change! My girls would model and have their heiroglyphics on the walls of caves and animal hide; their images engraved on spears and daggers called "britney," just to make a profit. My girls would just make the best buffalo-ass roast you ever had, and they would feed other tribal leaders, and I suppose I'd have to marry them off to a few of them (fat bastards better treat 'em right or I'm skinning your asses!) Now I'd have political alliances with nearly every clan in my tribe. My clan's motto would be: "Small favors for small favors - I scratch your back you scratch mine" (literally.) My clan's Capital would be called the "Whitehut" of course. From the profit made off of britney spears, I'll then set up a North Pangaeaic Trade Organization so that in times of future wars, the homies got my back if there's beef...with no ribs.
Step 4. Rarely is the question asked, "Is our children learning?" [and you wonder why?] Therefore, under my rule, education would be important. I would establish a "No-Neanderthal left behind" policy and teach the cave-kids how great I am. Then over time with enough power and influence, my clan would be the alpha clan among our tribe. I'd take some of our tribe's resources to trade with other valuables from neighboring tribes. Interest wasn't haram back then (hell nothing was probably) so I could give them fakes for the real goodies in exchange. If they never realized it was fake, then whooowee! we're dining on hippo thighs and goat milk people! But if they realized they were jipped - this means war! Bring it on losers! My strategy? I'd lure them to the campfire at the base of the valley, then command my army of elephants from atop to drown them in piss. I'll call it "Pishaap & Awe**." Then a special gift for the losing tribal chief - a gift of armor & helmet, made entirely out of dung. This will likely result in making me the new tribal chief of our tribe. New territories? No problem! I just repeat from step 1. In time I would become the leader of all the tribes and nations. It will be the beginning of my own empire. "The Project for the Neanderthal American Century." And sooner or later, I'd succumb to death by a urinary tract infection (or an STD from my Whitehut intern) and meet my demise. After my passing, they might even erect a monument of me or put my face on a mountain, give me a new species designation like "homo fabulous" and call my way of rule "democracy" and "capitalism..." ::sigh:: only in 10,000 B.C.
A specimen of empathy. A colonel of care. A vicegerent of vices. A general of genesis. A steward of servanthood. A lieutenant of lethargy. A private of passions. A warrior for ideals. A patron of peace. A warden of Paradise. An inmate of Earth. A fraction of a mosaic. A mosaic of a fraction.
