A Sinner's Tears (My Sad Thoughts)

by Ruhudeen Ali
April 5th, 2004

Brethren! I'm not fit for your world,
I can never be one of you.
Having corrupted the pearl
I am through.

Lamentable are my deeds
fruitless are my words.
Sadness I bleed,
on the wings of a bird.

Oh! What filth am I?
Being made by Your Hands
that in life I die
by ignoring Your Commands.

My aspirations are gone
I am lost.
Hope - I have none.
The limits I've crossed.

Destiny I believed
would carry me on
but now I'm deceived
I've forgotten Your Qur'an.

I've made many mistakes
but desire to repent.
I must awake
for this he (saw) was sent.

My Prophet is Muhammad,
blessed to be his ummati.
But forget about me,
of such a thing, who is worthy?

How can I follow
such a great man
when my heart is hollow
and I don't understand?

Blessed with blessings
I was a Magistrate!
No longer a king,
I've become an ingrate.

I'm given to sin,
by day and night I commit.
I cannot win
so I submit.

You tell me not to befriend
the accursed Satan.
But candy he promises and lends
to those who take him as patron.

You asked me to fight
to carry out Your will,
but blocked is the light
that shone my thrill.

You gave me sight
to marvel at Your wonders,
but I use that light
to focus on my blunders.

Sometimes I feel
confused and uncertain
that this life is real 
hiding the truth behind a curtain.

I used to feel calm
and from this world released
because I lived Islam -
The cloak of Peace.

But now my heart is dead
black and cold.
The thoughts in my head,
heretically bold.

My dreams are shattered
my goals denied,
my soul is battered.
Why can't I cry?

In such a state can one pretend
to fake a smile
only to suffer in the end?
Oh what denial!