My Song

by Ruhudeen Ali
July 29th, 2004

My song, where is my song? Where could it possibly be? I have searched my entire life for it and as of yet, to no avail. I wander around this earth in hopes that I will encounter it and that it may speak on behalf of what I could never express.... I smile from afar when I think I've found it, only to be let down when I get closer. I feel peace when I recognize a part of its intoxicating tune, but feel unrest when I cannot find it. I try to express this thirst of longing in my heart with words but it is fruitless. When speech's words are exhausted beyond expression and the tongue is tired from her dance; the heart's content is still not met. That is when I search for my song, that it may speak on behalf of my heart - my very essence.


As I explore this world I see young lovers together, embracing one another and picture myself in their shoes, thinking to myself, "that is not my song." I see beautiful women all over the place and picture myself among them but feel in my heart, "that is not my song." I go to fancy restaurants and eat of the gourmet meals and think to myself, "that is not my song." I watch all kinds of movies and feel moved by its drama that I might find myself within it, yet think to myself, "that is not my song." I listen to all kinds of music and search for the mood that soothes me, yet think to myself, "that is not my song." I talk to the rich and hear their stories; trying to identify, and yet I say to myself, "that's not my song." I see all kinds of bribery, trickery, and deceit and feel in myself, "this is not my song." I see the life of the wicked and think to myself, "that is not my song." I enjoy all the luxuries of the world, still feeling unsatisfied, I remind myself, "that is not my song." For my song will bring peace and satisfaction to me and nothing else.


Then I go and speak to the humble and weak, and think to myself, "I hear some of its words." I sit with my brothers and sisters and hear what they have to say, and think to myself, "I recognize this tune." I read the Qur'an and say to myself, "I remember this rhythm." I visualize the Prophet (saw) and his companions (ra) and think to myself, "I feel its beat." I feel the pain and sorrow of longing from them and say to myself, "I'm beginning to hear." I humble myself before my Creator and think to myself, "Could this be my song?" I break down and cry, and cry, and hear it's tune getting louder. Yes, it sounds similar, but still not quite there....


My Lord! I've come to realize, my song is not on this earth, but only with You.


For You are the Singer and everyone dances to Your tune. How can I possibly find what I'm searching for because what I'm searching for is actually You. Traces of Your tune can be heard when I turn here and there, but still the whole melody is not played - anywhere. Running frantically to and fro, I search for Your song in this world but feel rejected and frustrated when I don't find it, so I await Your Glorious surprise and throw myself before You in the hope that You will give me Your tune and pleasure and fulfill for me my purpose in being Your slave. Lord, give life to my heart and help me be who I am meant to be, happy as can be - THIS is my song and I will not fully hear it until I meet You.