What would things be like if it was 10,000 B.C right now? No internet. No computers. No phones. No cars. No T.V. No buildings and cities. No clothes (haha just kidding.) But just land - wide stretches of land as far as the eye can see. Wild life roaming the prairies, valleys, forests, caves, and jungles. In such a world, what would you do? How would you spend your time? If I even had the time after all the hard labor of a day's work, I would probably be sitting under a tree counting head-lice, just thinking. I'd probably be forced to improve my hunting skills or become a warrior. I wouldn't be trying to become a therapist. I wouldn't be worrying about my career plans, money, bills, or 99% of the crap I think about now. I would probably try to hitch a ride on a saber-tooth tiger or a mammoth instead of trying to ride a BMW or Cadillac. Instead of flaunting iPhones and flat screens I'd show off my collection of spears and chipped elephant teeth (elephants probably had sharp teeth back then.......shut up.) Instead of bling made of ice (diamonds) I'd light up a fire and show off my bling made from the bones of a pre-historic giraffe; ushering in a new Ice Age.
You can't rock a nose bone like I does son! Now lemme show you what the American dream is like - 10,000 B.C style!!
At 26 years of age, I'd be the freakin man, at the prime of my youth. Ripped body, 6-pack abs, 5ft. beard with the 'stache. Yeah I'd probably be a sexist bastard like all the other cave-men at the time. Like "
Woman, pass me my t-bone!" I'd want to create something big! Expand my ideas and influence to all the Neanderthals across the world. I'd be sorta like Manifest Destiny's Child. To show the world how great we Americans are - it would be the Caveman's burden,
my burden.
Step 1. The plan is this: I'd first need to become a statesman for my tribal leader. I'd have to gain his trust first like save his daughter from a raging pteradactyl or a giant ape, let's call 'em "King Kong." Maybe I could convince him that I should be a diplomat of sorts, and go up to different tribes and just be like "
ooga booga bitches, wazzup!??" You know, "spread the love" ...in various ways. I'd have to be well-liked by the people so I'd go around telling jokes like "
Q: why cave girl upset with cave man? A: because she have bone to pick with him." I'd get my jokes to be written on bones instead of popsicles. Gaining popularity through the wide distribution of these "funny bones" among the clans, I could then be trusted to be a peacemaker. I'd be trying to appease tensions between various clans trying to get the story straight. Like who slept with who ("
oh no he didn't!", ) and saying things like "
Girl, don't front like its only your 15th child and your man's not working overtime!" Also try figuring out why this clan stole wood and flints from that other clan when its got enough fags (bundle of sticks) to spare.
Step 2. Then I'd need a convenient excuse to start a war like leaving a pile of the most advanced (but useless) technology lying around. Things like nose-pickers, back-scratchers (iRods,) and throw in some animal fat for good measure. Then when they come to investigate I can accuse the other tribes of stealing our technological secrets and then its time for war biotch! I could steal all of their fire wood and call it "
The Cold War." Or I could just accuse other tribes of having weapons of ass-correction (for spanking naughty people) which could endanger our whole race if in the wrong hands, and that we of all people are best-suited to thwart these plans. To gain my clan's support I would need to create a myth of an elusive boogey man who lives in a cave (wait..that might not work here) and is trying to get his hands on these W.A.C's. My mission would be to take what the other tribes have for myself while pretending to search for him in their lands. I'd call it, "
The War on Terra." I'd get like Jay-Z and have plans to "takeover" starting with a rock in my hands...
Step 3. When its time for war, oh its on baby! Well, not like I'd be at the front lines anyway, I'd just wait til the other dudes killed each other off and take their spears covered in blood and come home as the hero, screaming the war-cry like "
ahhhhhhrrrrrrrr!!!" and make the women think i'm the f*@$in man. The result? More babies of course, and eventually a clan of my own. Then I'd slowly build my clan's power and influence in the same way. My boys would be peace-keepers making alliances with everyone; fighting for people's justice (yeah ok, more like killing and hurting those who try to steal our shit!) I'd send them into other camps to promote my ideas and if they didn't like it? Two words: regime change! My girls would model and have their heiroglyphics on the walls of caves and animal hide; their images engraved on spears and daggers called "britney," just to make a profit. My girls would just make the best buffalo-ass roast you ever had, and they would feed other tribal leaders, and I suppose I'd have to marry them off to a few of them (fat bastards better treat 'em right or I'm skinning your asses!) Now I'd have political alliances with nearly every clan in my tribe. My clan's motto would be: "Small favors for small favors - I scratch your back you scratch mine" (literally.) My clan's Capital would be called the "Whitehut" of course. From the profit made off of britney spears, I'll then set up a North Pangaeaic Trade Organization so that in times of future wars, the homies got my back if there's beef...with no ribs.
Step 4. Rarely is the question asked, "Is our children learning?" [and you wonder why?] Therefore, under my rule, education would be important. I would establish a "No-Neanderthal left behind" policy and teach the cave-kids how great I am. Then over time with enough power and influence, my clan would be the alpha clan among our tribe. I'd take some of our tribe's resources to trade with other valuables from neighboring tribes. Interest wasn't haram back then (hell nothing was probably) so I could give them fakes for the real goodies in exchange. If they never realized it was fake, then whooowee! we're dining on hippo thighs and goat milk people! But if they realized they were jipped - this means war! Bring it on losers! My strategy? I'd lure them to the campfire at the base of the valley, then command my army of elephants from atop to drown them in piss. I'll call it "Pishaap & Awe**." Then a special gift for the losing tribal chief - a gift of armor & helmet, made entirely out of dung. This will likely result in making me the new tribal chief of our tribe. New territories? No problem! I just repeat from step 1. In time I would become the leader of all the tribes and nations. It will be the beginning of my own empire. "The Project for the Neanderthal American Century." And sooner or later, I'd succumb to death by a urinary tract infection (or an STD from my Whitehut intern) and meet my demise. After my passing, they might even erect a monument of me or put my face on a mountain, give me a new species designation like "
homo fabulous" and call my way of rule "democracy" and "capitalism..." ::sigh:: only in 10,000 B.C.
** "Pishaap" in Urdu means "urine, piss."
